Consider the Characters
by bluekiwibubble
Summary: Have you ever stopped to think about the poor characters, forced to do all those horrendous fanfics? Read and pity them [a parody on certain ships]. All Stand Alones.
1. A Fishy Fanfic

Have you ever stopped to think about the characters, forced to do all those horrendous fanfics?

**Consider the Characters**

**Chapter 1 - A Fishy Fanfic**

Harry clambered through the portrait hole into the Gryffindor common room and looked around for Ron and Hermione. Spotting them sat in armchairs near the fire, he made his way over to them. As he sat down Hermione looked up from the Arithmancy essay she was poring over.

"How are you?" she asked. Harry frowned.

"Not too good, kind of…scared." Hermione gave him a quizzical look. "The fanfic I had to do today was, um, a…Harry/Snape. He was stroking my cheek." Hermione giggled, but stopped at the look on Harry's face.

"What about you?" he asked her quickly, not wanting to linger on the fic he had had to do that day.

"Oh the usual, you know. Raped by Draco before realising I love him."She shrugged."It was disturbing the first couple of times, but now it's just boring."

Harry suddenly realised Ron hadn't said a word since Harry had entered the common room. Ron was sat, very still, in his chair, eyes wide, staring at the floor.

"What's up with Ron?" Harry muttered to Hermione. She lowered her voice.

"Well I'm not quite sure, but I think it had something to do with the giant squid…"

They both looked out of the window towards the lake. A thick, orange tentacle was poking above the water, waving cheerfully. Ron let out a strangled sob and buried his face in his hands.

* * *

I put those ships in because Snape/Anyone(especially students) is just creepy, Draco/Hermione is now so very predictable and same-y, and Giant Squid/Anyone is...infamous. Hope you liked it, please make a humble fic writer very happy and **review**! More chapters coming up soon. 


	2. Not Good: Bad

Ever stopped to think about the characters, forced to do all those horrendous fanfics?

OK, I don't know what happened to this chapter the first time, but half the stuff in the middle was chopped out. Maybe that was my clumsy editing, maybe a bug, I don't know. So here's the full version.

**Consider the Characters**

**Chapter 2 -Not Good. Bad.**

It was breakfast at the Slytherin table.

Draco put down his fork as he felt a tap on his shoulder.

"Today's fic scripts," said Blaise, pushing a scroll into his hand. Draco slit it open and read the first line.

"Uh oh."

"What is it Draco?" simpered Pansy, who was sat on his other side.

"I have to do an R-rated slash."

"Aw you poor thing. Who with?"

Draco ignored the question and began to read the scroll. His apprehensive expression changed to one of confusion, then shock, then disgust. Pansy watched as his eyes moved down the parchment, his face steadily turning greener and greener until he suddenly yelped

"Then I do WHAT!"

A cold voice behind him made Draco jump.

"Don't yell, Draco. And you had better hurry up with you breakfast or you will be late for your fic."

Draco's eyes widened in horror as he turned and saw the hooked nose and greasy hair of Professor Snape. With a strangled yell he leapt up out of his chair and sprinted away from the potions master, out of the Great Hall.

"Strange," Snape muttered to himself "I didn't think our fic was that bad."

* * *

Snape/Draco. Enough said. 


	3. Just Friends

Ever stopped to think about the characters, forced to do all those horrendous fanfics?

**Consider the Characters**

**Chapter 3 -Just _Friends_**

Molly Weasley walked into the kitchen at Number 12, Grimmauld Place. Sirius and Remus were sat at either end of the scrubbed wooden table, Remus with his head in his hands and Sirius staring down the neck of the firewhiskey bottle he was clutching. Tonks was standing by the sink eating a chocolate frog. Molly bustled over to her.

"Hello Tonks dear, how are you?"

"Oh, wotcher Molly, I'm fine."

"What did the authors have you doing today?" Molly asked.

"Um…" Tonks blushed. "Well, um, Bill again… I'm sorry." Molly frowned slightly.

"It's not your fault, we've all got to do what we're written." She turned towards the two men. "What about you two?"

At this, Remus gulped and shook his head, whilst Sirius downed the rest of his firewhiskey. Both avoided looking at the other.

Molly shot a bewildered glance at Tonks, who sniggered.

"Well, I shouldn't laugh really, poor guys, but it is kinda funny. They were working in a fic together. Over in the Romance section. Slash Pairings."

* * *

Ok, before I get lynch-mobbed by a raving hoard of Sirius/Remus shippers, I _do_ like theWolfstar ship, but only in fanfic. Not in canon, the poor guys.

This is the last chapter I've got written, although I may do more if I get a good idea. Please **review** and tell me if you'd like to see more chapters!


	4. Too Far

Ever stopped to think about the characters, forced to do all those horrendous fanfics?

**Consider the Characters**

**Chapter 4 - Too Far**

Remus ran his hands down Tonks' sides to rest on her waist.

"Hey," she giggled "that tickles."

He smiled, the turned his head at the sound of approaching wings.

An owl flew in the doorway and held its leg out to Tonks. Her face fell as she took the scroll, and the owl zoomed back out of the room.

Remus frowned concernedly and told Tonks softly

"You need to stop worrying about the scripts."

"I don't want to open it."

He leant his forehead against hers.

"Whatever they write, whatever we have to do, at the end of it we'll still be together. We're canon Tonks, no one can change that." Remus kissed her nose then stepped back. "Open it."

Shakily, Tonks slit open the scroll, unrolled it and read. She paled and a low

"No…" escaped her.

"What is it?" She held the scroll out to him and he took it. His eyes moved down the page, his face darkening angrily, and when he reached the end Remus scrunched the parchment into a ball.

"They can't do this." He pulled his wand out and made a slashing movement with it in the air. "Author!"

A teenage girl appeared in the room. Glancing around, she asked innocently

"What's the matter?"

"This!" Remus strode up to her brandished Tonks' script. "You can't make her do this! I've had to sit back and watch you pair Tonks with all manner of people; Charlie, Sirius, Harry, Bill, Ginny, Snape, Mundungus, Hestia, Mad-eye, Minerva, various Mary-Sues and OCs…But this is too far." He shook the script in the author's face. "You can't submit this fic. It's sick!"

"But…" the author began.

"No!" Tonks, who was watching this encounter nervously, couldn't help thinking how handsome Remus looked when angry.

"I don't care what you think," he yelled at the author "No matter how good a story it would make, I will _not_ let you submit this story!"

The author scowled mutinously at the lycanthrope, then disappeared in a cloud of pure fanon.

"Thank you!" Tonks cried, running over and wrapping her arms around Remus. "I just couldn't bear to do that fic!" she sobbed into his shoulder.

"I know, I know," Remus replied soothingly, stroking her hair,

"I've been paired with loads of different people before," Tonks continued tearfully, "but that's the worst. How could they? Aberforth's goat, how _could_ they?"

* * *

OK, so much for not writing anymore. I have much more important stuff to do than this (coursework, bleurk), but I just enjoy it so much :-)

Remus/Tonks is one of my favourite ships, in case you couldn't tell...

I don't like this chapter as much as the first 3, so **review** and tell me what you think. Suggest ideas, and they might just get used...


	5. Family Reunion

Ever stopped to think about the characters, forced to do all those horrendous fanfics?

**Consider the Characters**

**Chapter 5 -Family Reunion**

They broke apart and stared at each other.

"That's the end of chapter three," a voice called "Roll on the Author's Notes."

The man spat onto the filthy floor as the witch stood opposite him wiped a hand across her mouth.

"Eurgh," she said with distaste, "That was _disgusting_."

"Yeah?" the man jeered, "Well I didn't particularly enjoy it either." He slumped against the cell wall. "Who the hell wrote this fic anyway? It's twisted. Don't they know that incest is illegal?"

"How should I know?" she countered aggressively. "One moment I'm busy torturing a bunch of mudbloods, next I'm back in this stinking place with _you_."

"Well _I_ was busy enjoying my death, but _no_, they can't even let the dead rest in peace."

"Glad I could be of service." Her tone was sarcastic.

"Kindest thing you've ever done," he replied. "Not that that's saying much."

"You think _I'm_ evil?" she sneered,"Have you not read this script?" Plunging a hand into her robes, she pulled out a sheaf of parchment and threw it at him. "If anyone's _truly_ evil, it's those fanfic authors. Only a twisted genius could come up with some of the things they write about."

The man wore and expression of disgust.

"You sound as though you admire them."

"I admire evil in all its forms. Although," she eyed him disdainfully, "I'd sometimes prefer if they left me out of it."

He snorted.

"Huh. You've got it easy, they barely ever _mention_ you."

"Oh my _poor_ over-worked little cousin. I'm _so_ sorry if I can't stay to hear about your problems, but a blood traitor has an overdue appointment with a death curse and it wouldn't do for me to keep him waiting."

The cell door clanged open and she strode out of the dingy cell, her cloak whipping out behind her as Bellatrix stepped into the corridor.

Stood there in the gloom, not knowing what else to do, Sirius raised his hand and stuck up two fingers at his cousin's retreating back.

* * *

Incest. Of any kind. Ew. Especially twincest. Hmm...twincest. Oh dear, I appear to be turning into a 'twisted fanfic author'. /Cackles/

Oh, it's set in Azkaban if anyone was wondering. Hence the cell. And Sirius talks about his death, so it _is_ post-OotP, as he can easily be alive in fanfics. Just because I can see that someone would point that out.

And you probably all guessed whothey were before the end, didn't you?

Anyway, inspiration for this chapter goes to UnSerious Sirius, for writing a fic from Bellatrix's PoV. Also I'd like to thank everyone who's reviewed (hint-hint), especially RavensWritingProphecies for her idea about characters discussing a fic before they have to do it (watch this space), and MiSS-x-MoOnY for mentioning Molly/Voldemort...

Review, s'il vous plait! Your ideas may get written! (That is, if I have any free time before next July what with coursework and revision. Bleurgh.)


	6. Not Talking

Ever stopped to think about the characters, forced to do all those horrendous fanfics?

**Consider the Characters**

**Chapter 6 - Not Talking**

Draco walked through the archway into the room and slouched down into a chair to wait. He looked around uninterestedly, his eyes finally coming to rest on the only other occupant. Glaring, he spoke.

"I can't believe you're the person I have to work with."

There was no answer.

"Not going to talk? Fine. It's not as though I've got anything to say to a bit of filth like _you_ anyway."

Draco stared moodily at the stone-flagged floor, kicking his feet and fiddling with the sleeve of his robes. At length he dug in a pocket and pulled out a crumpled scroll, which he unrolled. Glancing down the page of writing he said, more to himself that anything

"This is so unrealistic. I would _never_ do that."

Draco suddenly looked up at the other occupied chair. "Have you read the script?"

Realising he had sound a lot friendlier than he'd intended, he added sarcastically

"Oh but of _course_ you've read it. How could you _not_ read anything that's shoved under your nose!"

The other occupant of the room gave no answer, not even acknowledging Draco's words.

A heavy wooden door at the far side of the room, opposite the archway Draco had entered through, opened with a creak. Out of it walked Argus Filch, running a chain through his hands and closely followed by Mrs Norris. He leered at Draco as he walked across the room, before disappearing out into the corridor.

The room was silent for a minute or so until the quiet was broken once again by the sound of the doors creaky hinges.

Ginny Weasley hurried out, looking around nervously. She was pale and ill-looking, and Draco could see long red welts on her arms where the sleeves of her robes were rolled up. She practically ran across the room and out through the archway, going the opposite was down the corridor to Filch.

A voice from the room behind the wooden door shouted

"Next fic."

Draco's soon to be partner jumped out of their chair and headed towards the door. Draco stood slowly and, sighing resignedly, followed Scabbers into the fic.

* * *

Urgh. I cannot believe I wrote that. Hehe. 

Thanks to crzyangelchic for the Draco/Scabbers idea and RavensWritingProphecies for the characters talking outside a fic idea. I'm sorry if Draco is a bit OOC, and I also don't really know why I've got him as the main character in 2 chapters, as ideally I'd have a wide range of characters, a different one per chapter. /Shrugs/ I really shouldn't be having anything to do with fanfic at the moment, having a horrendous amount of school work to do (who knew GCSE year would be so stressful!), but, uh...here it is anyway.

This was meant to sound like a Draco/Hermione, but I'm not sure if it worked...the '"Oh but of _course_ you've read it. How could you _not_ read anything that's shoved under your nose!"' bit is him being sarky because _obviously_ Scabbers can't read, although it was meant to look like _obviously_ Hermione had read it, cos she reads everything. Just thought that might need clarifying. Bleurh xP.

What did you think? I don't really like this chapter but thought I might as well put it up.


	7. Strangely Familiar

Ever stopped to think about the characters, forced to do all those horrendous fanfics?

**Consider the Characters**

**Chapter 7 - Strangely Familiar**

Harry's mirror image stared at him, its strange eyes wide. It shook its head and spoke desperately to someone Harry couldn't see.

"No. No. Not this. Anything, but not this. Please, no. You can't do this to me, it'll kill me. I'll never be able to life with myself. Anyone else, anyone but him."

The figure fell to its knees, facing whoever it was talking to, but Harry found he was unable to move his head to look.

"I'm begging you, don't make me do this: just think, _think_ about what you're saying! I swear, I promise, I will do _anything _but this. _Anything_. Just don't make me...with my only...my only..."

The figure collapsed on the floor, apparently too distraught to continue. Harry stared down in horror at the man before him. A harsh voice sounded.

"Get up."

The man stood, as though jerked upright by invisible strings, and turned slowly to face Harry. His face was blanched and his eyes squeezed tight shut, as though to block out whatever terrors were to come. James was shaking violently as he took a step towards his son.

_Smack!_

Harry's muscles seemed to unfreeze, and he whipped round to see where the noise had come from as his father staggered backwards and sat down heavily on the floor.

Over in the corner of the room stood a young man with a roll of parchment in one hand, looking shocked and holding his free hand to a very red cheek. Lily Potter stood infront of him with her arm raised. She drew her wand and pointed it at his chest.

"Get out."

Her eyes were blazing and anger seemed to crackle around her like a tangible force-field.

"Leave, now, or I'll hex you so you'll never be able to hold a quill again, and curse you so badly you won't even be able to _think_ straight. _Get out of my house!_"

A flash of red light flew out of her wand, and the man yelped and ran out of the door. Lily hurried across the room to Harry and James, pulled her husband to his feet and grabbed them both in a hug.

"Sorry, I would have sorted that out sooner, but I was cooking and didn't realise what was going on."

She stepped back and looked Harry over.

"Whilst you're here, Harry, you might as well stay for tea. James, nothing's going to happen love." She took her husband's hand and began to walk in the direction of the door, waving Harry to follow. "I've lodged a complaint with the moderators, we shouldn't be seeing _any_more incest fics, so don't worry about it. Come have some food."

She smiled warmly and led the two men towards the kitchen, where a huge mound of shepherds pie, cauldren cakes and butterbeer was waiting for them.

* * *

A bit different to the others as the main point is in the middle instead of at the end, but I thought it needed rounding off, and wouldn't really work the usual way (and I wanted Lily in it :D ). What do you think? 

This is for, if she ever reads it, Hannah: because Harry/James has to be _the_ worst ship :P


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